....just like that a perfect pregnancy ends......just like that a beautiful face is reduced to a bag of ashes....just like that....three years go by........
ive decided that life is really quite meaningless....i mean, none of us have definate after-life answers...none of us have cures, or powers of any real meaning....
but, i see, the humans have tried to fill in these gaping holes with meaningful activities.....a first-date rose....a fishing trip.....a sports event................................................a birthday party
oscar celebrated the third year of his birth into our arms last monday.....what he did, kills me to wonder....what we did.....a buzz lightyear balloon release......how can a crappy mylar balloon bring me such comfort?.....i sent buzz off with a whispered prayer, just like when i handed oscar over to barb.......the last time........
saying the words in my head, like i was weaving him an extra large, extra thick protective blanket......so protective, that he would be safe and warm and find nurishment inside.....and it would last until i found him again, downstream.......
where do i come up with these things? like, even entertaining the thought that he is just a little downsteam.....................and the balloon releases are like little paper boats i fly down the waters to him, just so he sees a sign, that i am still coming for him.........and he gets comfort.........all i want to do......is give him comfort........hold a glass of water to his thirsty lips......brush the silly curls from his eyes.......smell behind his ear....... happy birthdays are just birthdays....with pretend happy.....
...you would have loved your cake, my spirit boy........it was ice cream
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