....feathers from a birdless sky....

....feathers from a birdless sky....







Sunday, December 26, 2010

....please wait to be seated.....

.....I'm not the seemingly typical babyloss momma.....fluffy pictures, and cutesy tributes to my stillborn don't seem quite right to me, or my relationship with oscar...i tried, but fru-fru didn't bring me any sort of comfort knowing my boy would go on motherless...my ideas of oscar aren't mine.....they are received.....after understanding the blow of watching nurse barb leaving the room for the last time, with oscar in her arms.....i knew it was just the beginning, and things were only gonna get intensely worse......i knew the images in my head wouldn't be those of the oblivious and blissful parents who bring home newborns......pictures of the older sibling with the baby, first bath, asleep in a loving crib......mine were......more C.S.I-inspired.....cold-stainless steel drawers....where oscar's body would be waiting to be dissected to find the blame.....and, even worse.....done for nothing.....no *apparent* cause of death....cut into pieces for nothing......oh, except, i found out my boy had brown eyes.......having to find that out from an autopsy report is crippling.....yep.....no butterflies here......no ribbons and balloons....but, you will find magic here......not the kind you might preconceive....but, if you follow me, you will read my stories....of oscars white noise....his subtle *messages* and directions....wearing the hat of a grieving mother gets too heavy for my head, sometimes, so every now and then, i switch it for antennae.....receiving navigation from the essence of my boy.....

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